The Citizen Editor announced today that the Citizen had upped sticks and moved to a proper host.

“We’re very tired after moving,” said the Editor. “We had to wrap up all the stories and comments, put them in boxes and load them into a van. Then we had to unpack them again at the other end.”

The move came after the Citizen started getting a ridiculously high number of hits, despite having not properly launched yet. “Our actual launch is 1st August,” said the Editor, “once BT finally hook Citizen Towers up to the outside world.” The Citizen team had given up waiting for Virgin Media who had been promising that their service would be available “any day now” for over three months.

Until this date the Citizen is still not “officially” launched and therefore may seem a bit unpolished over the next week. Editor Tim C promised that by the launch date everything “will be lovely”, and all the archive stories will be available.

But what does this mean for you, the reader? You can still access the Citizen via thecitizen.co.nr, but if you’ve bookmarked the site itself you’ll need to change it to http://citizen.foshiznik.com. And if you want to submit a story, please use the address submit@citizen.foshiznik.c

So, thanks for all your support so far and please continue to enjoy the St Neots Citizen

Part of the network

Local entrepreneur has failed to impress BBC2’s Dragons with his latest invention, SatChav.

Eaton Socon man Darren Feave, 28, designed SatChav to assist local criminals in escaping when in unfamiliar areas.

“Ya know what it’s like, like,” said Feave. “You’re runnin dahn the road wiv a telly an’ you take a wrong turn through some alleyway or other. Then you find yourself runnin into the arms of the rozzers.”

The Queens Gardens/Monarch Road area of Eaton Ford and the Duck lane area of Eynesbury are well known for their comprehensive, and often confusing, network of alleyways, shortcuts and greens - where the houses face a pedestrianised zone rather than a road. Often there is little or no indication which street a house belongs to.

“I’m awright rahnd Eaton Socon, like, cos I’m Westside born an’ bred,” said Feave. “But a while ago I robbed a satnav out of a car parked in Mallard Road an’ got a bit lost.” Feave spent over three hours running aimlessly around Naseby Gardens and Whitehall Walk, before being arrested.

“I got gripped cos I thought I’d use the satnav to get aht of Eynesbury, like,” said Darren. “But it were shit. It just kept tellin me to make a legal u-turn.” Whilst serving six months for burglary, Feave came up with the idea for SatChav.

“It’s brilliant,” his colleague Wayne Waynes told us. “It has all the alleyways and garden fences and stuff on and uses Google Earth to track the Old Bill. It’ll tell ya if yer better off jumpin’ over the garden wall or hidin in a wheelie bin for a bit. Chavs and hoodies alike will love it.”

Dragons Peter Jones and Duncan Bannatyne were impressed with Feave’s initiative, but said they could obviously not endorse a product which aides and abbetts housebreaking. Theo Paphitis stated that, this aside, it was clearly a terrible idea as the main use for SatChav “would be to nick other people’s SatChav units”, meaning that sales would be low as people would just steal one, use it to track the rest down and sell them on the market, “probably for a tenner.”

Feave was said to be disappointed, but vowed not to give up even if he had to “rob another post office for funds”.

St Neots Town Council has announced that the big switch on will be taking place next Friday, 25th July.

Dean Dexter, a spokesperson from the Town Council, said “we are absolutely delighted to be switching the lights on next week as it will really help boost trade in the town centre in the run up to Christmas”. He went on to say that they have chosen to switch the lights on early to raise people’s spirits in the town as the economy borders on a recession.

Child’s Pond Road resident Helen Bosworth said, “The festivities seem to be starting earlier and earlier so I am not surprised that they are being switched on in July”. Following the Christmas lights fiasco last year, it remains to be seen what decorations will festoon the town.

 

Dexter said “the lights will be even more impressive than those on display last year, and I think Huntingdon will be quaking in their boots when the lights are switched on in St Neots”.

Due to fears over health and safety, the big switch on will be taking place on Friday at 7pm before it gets too dark when it is deemed unsafe for young people to be hanging around in the Market Square. The lights are being switched on by a secret local celebrity. However, it is believed that the celebrity was chosen because they are currently filming Christmas scenes for a popular TV soap.

As for fears over pieces of buildings falling off under the strain of the lights, Expert Scientists were keen to assuage fears of residents. “Skyhooks. We’ll use skyhooks,” claimed an unnamed expert.

Story by Bebamag Reporter

St Neots is getting caught up in the new EU Directive 2008/23/EC on Quadrilaterals in Urban Centres which has been transposed into UK law. The new law states that market squares which are not perfect squares must be stripped of their “square” status.

Dean Dexter, of St Neots Town Council, said “we are currently working with the local government on a solution as St Neots Market Square has been one of the first to be identified as an unequal quadrilateral. From now on we will be referring to it as the Market Rectangle”.

Under the law, St Neots could reclaim its Market Square status if a 6m high retaining wall is built which runs north out of “the shop that was formerly Barneys” to the other side of the market rectangle. This would not only create a square, but an East side and a more desirable West side to the town. An insider from the Town Council, commenting on the wall which would divide Eynesbury and Eaton Socon, said it sounded “desirable”. However one person the St Neots Citizen stopped on the street said “I live in Eaton Ford and work in the Corner House so commuting would be hell”.

It is believed that roads named Square outside of the town centre would be exempt from the ruling, but may have to put quote marks around the road sign to show that it is merely a name, and not an actual square. A ruling on roads named the Crescent which are not crescent-shaped is expected next week.

Story by Bebamag reporter

St Neots’ newest “night venue”, Worx, did not open as planned last Friday, surprising exactly no-one.

Local papers were quick to pun the fact that building worx had over-run. General manager Leanne Hack said, “Well yeah obviously we are disappointed. Mainly cos we’re gonna charge people a fiver to get in, so we’re losing valuable money all the time we’re closed.”

The club, run by Teeth-Moss Entertainment, who also own the Warehouse – or whatever it’s called this week – will now open this Friday.

Local binge-drinkers were feeling let down as the club announced the delay on Facebook, but no-one was surprised. “Teeth-Moss have been saying in all the local papers that it’ll DEFINITELY, without doubt, be ready to open on the 11^th,” said Polly Kerman of Berkley Street, “so it was fairly obvious they wouldn’t be.”

 

“It’s a shame,” added Chris Durbur, of Queens Gardens, “as I was lookin forward to gettin in a scrap an shovin someone thru them big windows.”

Venue The Warehouse across the road will be turned into an American diner-style bar and grill when Worx finally opens. The new venue will be, according to one local rag, “St Neots’ only nightclub,” despite Teeth-Moss’ constant claims that it’s “not a club, it’s a night venue.”

Apparently this means that you can buy coffee and cake at one in the morning, but the Citizen is not sure whether a piece of cake will sit well with fifteen bottles of blue WKD and three Jaeger-Bulls, especially since the club will charge an entry fee, which is sure to mean that a maximum of three people are inside at any one time.

The Citizen will of course be attending the opening, and thinking up puns revolving around the name Worx, so that we can feel like all the other local rags.

Expert Scientists have today revealed that, after extensive research, the Yeti is in fact not a myth or an elaborate hoax but is merely a polar bear.

Professor S. Handi, of Howard Road Research Laboratories, said “After extensive studies and following around of this “yeti”, we have discovered that it is a common-or-garden variety polar bear, that has got a bit lost.”

“The reason this bear appears to walk upright like a man is that he has a disability causing him to only be able to walk on his hind legs.”

The findings will no doubt stun at least four people. Bedfordshire man Jay Veay said “Oh my god right, I was in the Himalayas right, and I saw it, it was all white and furry like a bear, and had big paws like a bear, and made a noise like a bear… so I can’t see that they think it’s a bear. It’s obviously some sort of unnatural being.”

The mystery of the yeti’s north American equivalent, Big Foot, continues; although Expert Scientists are now considering the possibility that it may just be a hippy that took one too many tabs of acid in the sixties, or even just a man with a long beard. Prof. Handi said, “Rest assured we won’t rest until the rest of these rumours have been put to rest.”

St Neots has unexpectedly been declared “Safe” after a local resident travelled the length of the High Street – and back again – without incident.

Theloneius P. Staker, of Eaton Ford, said, “This morning I have walked up and down the High Street, both sides. I have not been hit by a single piece of falling masonry or shop sign nor have I been stabbed or shot.”

This is an unprecented state of affairs in the town centre. Generally, three people are struck by crumbling buildings every day, and gang attacks have increased to one every seventeen minutes.

“Frankly,” continued Mr Staker, “I could do with the compo, and am a tad disappointed given the current fervour about how unsafe the streets are.”

Local injury specialist law firm Receive Just Over Seven Thousands Pounds, LLP, were said to be re-evaluating their business. Senior partner Irma Konnman said “There’s only so many bus stops we can re-site and wet floor signs we can put down. We’re not made of money – we offer a no-win no-fee service. We will, of course, be happy to take on Mr. Staker’s case as we believe that everyone has a right to be hurt and then claim compensation.”

“Well it certainly is a worrying state of affairs,” said Inspector Wei Stovtaem. “When residents feel safe to walk the streets, well, clearly the hoodies aren’t doing their jobs properly.” Cambridgeshire Police pledged a reduction in funding of £1.2million to help rectify the situation.

However, local commentators are sure that Mr Staker as been affected in some way, although it may take a while to manifest itself.

One famous face and former Citizen reporter suggested “You probably picked up TB.” Incidents of nineteenth-century diseases are common around the Handyman area of the High Street, and Mr Staker is currently being tested for consumption and fallen stomach, as well as lockjaw and bubonic plague.

Another suggested that whilst out, Mr Staker’s identity may have been stolen. Thelonius P. Staker vehemently denied that he had stolen Mr Staker’s identity, and Mr Staker was sure that he and the other four Mr Stakers all had the same name, date of birth and bank account number by pure conincidence.

Story from st-neots.co.uk

From Oi! Magazine issue five.

Save Our Phone Box Campaign.

BT’s decision to close several public toilets in St Neots town centre has
caused outrage amongst the local youth underclass.

Many of these adolescents were conceived in these urinals and as such could claim them to a be “home from home” under the 2006 “Right to Claim for Anything if You’re On Benefits” (amended 2007 “Anything and Everything”).

Oi! Magazine’s research has found that although the last recorded call from
any local public convenience was made in 1956 the cost of maintaining them
is negligible when compared to the cost of re-homing hundreds, many of who
save on rent costs by camping in the cubicles at weekends.

Blanc Chairck, spokesperson for BT, said that as far as the firm was
concerned they had no statutory responsibility to provide shelter unless
someone was prepared to pay a cursory £19.32 per 29.9 seconds of line time.

Oi! staff have contacted English Heritage who have confirmed that these
edifices of modern culture may well benefit from a Grade 2 listing.

Oi! is committed to saving these glorious toilets for future generations to
savour and is launching a “Save our P(home) Box Campaign”. Please add your
signature below to support us to support you, the St. Neots underclass.
——————————————–

Yes. I’d still like to be able to relieve myself in public, smashing the
windows as I leave and occasionally puking in a St Neots phone box.

Place X here….X…..

Story by Oi! Magazine Reporter

Please excuse our layout for a while, things like inconsistent fonts, fontsizes and styles will all be ironed out before we “go live”.

St Neots Town Council sold of two of it’s bus shelters today to private developers for an undisclosed sum.

Another clause is likely to allow cider fuelled kids to smash the glass in the house at least once a month.
Story by JCM