St Neots Citizen

Local entrepreneur has failed to impress BBC2’s Dragons with his latest invention, SatChav.

Eaton Socon man Darren Feave, 28, designed SatChav to assist local criminals in escaping when in unfamiliar areas.

“Ya know what it’s like, like,” said Feave. “You’re runnin dahn the road wiv a telly an’ you take a wrong turn through some alleyway or other. Then you find yourself runnin into the arms of the rozzers.”

The Queens Gardens/Monarch Road area of Eaton Ford and the Duck lane area of Eynesbury are well known for their comprehensive, and often confusing, network of alleyways, shortcuts and greens – where the houses face a pedestrianised zone rather than a road. Often there is little or no indication which street a house belongs to.

“I’m awright rahnd Eaton Socon, like, cos I’m Westside born an’ bred,” said Feave. “But a while ago I robbed a satnav out of a car parked in Mallard Road an’ got a bit lost.” Feave spent over three hours running aimlessly around Naseby Gardens and Whitehall Walk, before being arrested.

“I got gripped cos I thought I’d use the satnav to get aht of Eynesbury, like,” said Darren. “But it were shit. It just kept tellin me to make a legal u-turn.” Whilst serving six months for burglary, Feave came up with the idea for SatChav.

“It’s brilliant,” his colleague Wayne Waynes told us. “It has all the alleyways and garden fences and stuff on and uses Google Earth to track the Old Bill. It’ll tell ya if yer better off jumpin’ over the garden wall or hidin in a wheelie bin for a bit. Chavs and hoodies alike will love it.”

Dragons Peter Jones and Duncan Bannatyne were impressed with Feave’s initiative, but said they could obviously not endorse a product which aides and abbetts housebreaking. Theo Paphitis stated that, this aside, it was clearly a terrible idea as the main use for SatChav “would be to nick other people’s SatChav units”, meaning that sales would be low as people would just steal one, use it to track the rest down and sell them on the market, “probably for a tenner.”

Feave was said to be disappointed, but vowed not to give up even if he had to “rob another post office for funds”.

St Neots has unexpectedly been declared “Safe” after a local resident travelled the length of the High Street – and back again – without incident.

Theloneius P. Staker, of Eaton Ford, said, “This morning I have walked up and down the High Street, both sides. I have not been hit by a single piece of falling masonry or shop sign nor have I been stabbed or shot.”

This is an unprecented state of affairs in the town centre. Generally, three people are struck by crumbling buildings every day, and gang attacks have increased to one every seventeen minutes.

“Frankly,” continued Mr Staker, “I could do with the compo, and am a tad disappointed given the current fervour about how unsafe the streets are.”

Local injury specialist law firm Receive Just Over Seven Thousands Pounds, LLP, were said to be re-evaluating their business. Senior partner Irma Konnman said “There’s only so many bus stops we can re-site and wet floor signs we can put down. We’re not made of money – we offer a no-win no-fee service. We will, of course, be happy to take on Mr. Staker’s case as we believe that everyone has a right to be hurt and then claim compensation.”

“Well it certainly is a worrying state of affairs,” said Inspector Wei Stovtaem. “When residents feel safe to walk the streets, well, clearly the hoodies aren’t doing their jobs properly.” Cambridgeshire Police pledged a reduction in funding of £1.2million to help rectify the situation.

However, local commentators are sure that Mr Staker as been affected in some way, although it may take a while to manifest itself.

One famous face and former Citizen reporter suggested “You probably picked up TB.” Incidents of nineteenth-century diseases are common around the Handyman area of the High Street, and Mr Staker is currently being tested for consumption and fallen stomach, as well as lockjaw and bubonic plague.

Another suggested that whilst out, Mr Staker’s identity may have been stolen. Thelonius P. Staker vehemently denied that he had stolen Mr Staker’s identity, and Mr Staker was sure that he and the other four Mr Stakers all had the same name, date of birth and bank account number by pure conincidence.

Story from st-neots.co.uk