St Neots Citizen

St Neots Town Council has announced that the big switch on will be taking place next Friday, 25th July.

Dean Dexter, a spokesperson from the Town Council, said “we are absolutely delighted to be switching the lights on next week as it will really help boost trade in the town centre in the run up to Christmas”. He went on to say that they have chosen to switch the lights on early to raise people’s spirits in the town as the economy borders on a recession.

Child’s Pond Road resident Helen Bosworth said, “The festivities seem to be starting earlier and earlier so I am not surprised that they are being switched on in July”. Following the Christmas lights fiasco last year, it remains to be seen what decorations will festoon the town.

 

Dexter said “the lights will be even more impressive than those on display last year, and I think Huntingdon will be quaking in their boots when the lights are switched on in St Neots”.

Due to fears over health and safety, the big switch on will be taking place on Friday at 7pm before it gets too dark when it is deemed unsafe for young people to be hanging around in the Market Square. The lights are being switched on by a secret local celebrity. However, it is believed that the celebrity was chosen because they are currently filming Christmas scenes for a popular TV soap.

As for fears over pieces of buildings falling off under the strain of the lights, Expert Scientists were keen to assuage fears of residents. “Skyhooks. We’ll use skyhooks,” claimed an unnamed expert.

Story by Bebamag Reporter

St Neots is getting caught up in the new EU Directive 2008/23/EC on Quadrilaterals in Urban Centres which has been transposed into UK law. The new law states that market squares which are not perfect squares must be stripped of their “square” status.

Dean Dexter, of St Neots Town Council, said “we are currently working with the local government on a solution as St Neots Market Square has been one of the first to be identified as an unequal quadrilateral. From now on we will be referring to it as the Market Rectangle”.

Under the law, St Neots could reclaim its Market Square status if a 6m high retaining wall is built which runs north out of “the shop that was formerly Barneys” to the other side of the market rectangle. This would not only create a square, but an East side and a more desirable West side to the town. An insider from the Town Council, commenting on the wall which would divide Eynesbury and Eaton Socon, said it sounded “desirable”. However one person the St Neots Citizen stopped on the street said “I live in Eaton Ford and work in the Corner House so commuting would be hell”.

It is believed that roads named Square outside of the town centre would be exempt from the ruling, but may have to put quote marks around the road sign to show that it is merely a name, and not an actual square. A ruling on roads named the Crescent which are not crescent-shaped is expected next week.

Story by Bebamag reporter

St Neots has unexpectedly been declared “Safe” after a local resident travelled the length of the High Street – and back again – without incident.

Theloneius P. Staker, of Eaton Ford, said, “This morning I have walked up and down the High Street, both sides. I have not been hit by a single piece of falling masonry or shop sign nor have I been stabbed or shot.”

This is an unprecented state of affairs in the town centre. Generally, three people are struck by crumbling buildings every day, and gang attacks have increased to one every seventeen minutes.

“Frankly,” continued Mr Staker, “I could do with the compo, and am a tad disappointed given the current fervour about how unsafe the streets are.”

Local injury specialist law firm Receive Just Over Seven Thousands Pounds, LLP, were said to be re-evaluating their business. Senior partner Irma Konnman said “There’s only so many bus stops we can re-site and wet floor signs we can put down. We’re not made of money – we offer a no-win no-fee service. We will, of course, be happy to take on Mr. Staker’s case as we believe that everyone has a right to be hurt and then claim compensation.”

“Well it certainly is a worrying state of affairs,” said Inspector Wei Stovtaem. “When residents feel safe to walk the streets, well, clearly the hoodies aren’t doing their jobs properly.” Cambridgeshire Police pledged a reduction in funding of £1.2million to help rectify the situation.

However, local commentators are sure that Mr Staker as been affected in some way, although it may take a while to manifest itself.

One famous face and former Citizen reporter suggested “You probably picked up TB.” Incidents of nineteenth-century diseases are common around the Handyman area of the High Street, and Mr Staker is currently being tested for consumption and fallen stomach, as well as lockjaw and bubonic plague.

Another suggested that whilst out, Mr Staker’s identity may have been stolen. Thelonius P. Staker vehemently denied that he had stolen Mr Staker’s identity, and Mr Staker was sure that he and the other four Mr Stakers all had the same name, date of birth and bank account number by pure conincidence.

Story from st-neots.co.uk

St Neots Council today proudly announced the addition of another fourteen empty shops to the town centre.

The Priory Mall and Jade Bridge, empty for over 8 years

The Paines Brewery was due to be occupied by an unnamed “major retailer” in 1997, rumoured to be Marks & Spencer. However, the deal collapsed after board members of a local department store, who sit on the council, got worried about their profits.

The Priory Mall (pictured) was due to be rennovated and occupied by another “major retailer” last year, but the council spent three months in dispute over a listed wall, between the Priory Mall and neighbouring Jade Bridge restaurant – which has also been empty for over 8 years.

The Citizen presented the evidence to Cllr Maloy who simply said, “Why do you need national chainstores when you can buy everything you need from St Neots’ Favourite Department Store? It has all that you’re looking for.”

Maloy is a majority shareholder of the store which recently closed all but three of it’s departments.